The Pain Always Comes Back
by Geek in the Purple
Summary: This is the continuation of "Confessions". Shepard comes back to Illium to talk things out with Liara. The conversation brings back all the memories and pain. Will they be able to overcome everything? / The story will deal with Shepard's dead from Liara's POV.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note

This is the sequel of "Confessions". It's not strictly necessary to read the first part, but I highly recommend you to do it. From now on it will be a Liara & Femshep story. In my take Liara didn't confessed that she was the one to recover Shepard's body.

I hope you like where this is going and remember to leave a comment!

I do not own Mass Effect. If I do, things would be completely different.

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As soon as Shepard exited Miranda's office, still wearing her armor, she went to her quarters. She definitely needed to get rid of these clothes as soon as possible. She still smelled the blood and the medigel that was spread almost all over her body. And everything was the Illusive Man's fault. _That fucking idiot is going to get us all killed!_

She entered her room and fed Paiky and her fishes. She then went to her bed and stripped herself. It felt so good to be off the armor.

"EDI, block the door. Nobody enters or calls me unless it's something serious, understood?" She said while walking towards the bathroom.

"Yes Commander."

"Thank you EDI."

Now she had time to think without anyone to interrupt her. It was weird what happened with Miranda. She always thought no one could make her XO feel anything, she even tried to kill Niket, but what she confessed was… unexpected. Shepard herself hadn't given to much thought about what had happened with her. She knew that when she was talking with her she forget about the war, and her burdens seemed to go far away. That's everything that mattered and she was aware that she had been selfish, but there was a lot at stake. She needed her mind clear and Liara was not there to offer the calm and peace that she usually gave her with only a look into her deep blue eyes.

All the guilt was coming now to haunt her. Was it her fault that Miranda felt something for her? Did she forget that Miranda was still human after all? Did she even care? Yes. Of course she cared. She knew deep in her heart that if she had never met Liara, for whom she would fight was for Miranda. She could have fallen in love with her easily, but things were different. She loved Liara more than anything and even if the asari no longer felt the same, she was sure she will love Liara for the rest of her life. She would die to give her a future without war and pain.

Shepard had her hand on the wall while hot water was running over her body. Her eyes were closed and her head lowered. She would not go to the Collector's home world without knowing what Liara felt for her and where their relationship stood. She might not return alive and she wasn't going to waste any minute of her time wondering about what could be.

"EDI, tell Joker to set a course to Illium."

"Commander, according to the Illusive Man our mission is to find the Reaper IFF as soon as–"

"I know, but this is MY ship and I'm in command of MY ship, so please do it."

"Understood Commander."

She was going to face Liara now, neither she wanted it or not.

-o-

"Commander, we have arrived to Nos Astra." Shepard was already dressed in her casual clothes and sat on the edge of the bed with her fingers intertwined and her elbows resting on her knees.

"Thank you EDI. Inform the crew to fill supplies and verify weapons. When they finish they are on shore leave until I'm back."

"Understood, Commander. Log in you out."

She stood there, looking at her intertwined fingers and wondering what was she really going to tell to Liara. She needed to know where their relationship stood and of course found out what Miranda meant by asking Liara how they recovered Shepard's body.

She finally got up and started walking towards the door. She knew Miranda was not going to stop her.

Once she exited the Normandy, she headed towards Liara's office. Liara didn't hire another assistant, so there was nobody at the desk in front the door. Shepard faced the door and took a breath before opening it. No one had the code to enter Liara's office except for Shepard.

As soon as the door opened Liara lifted her head and looked straight into Shepard's eyes.

"Shepard! What are you doing here?" She was at her desk, probably gathering information on the Shadow Broker. She seemed surprised and confused to see Shepard standing there again.

"I came back to talk with you." Shepard said walking towards Liara.

"I thought your work in Illium was already done. Do you need more information?"

"I'm not here to talk about work and data." She said stopping by the chairs in front of Liara's desk.

"Then, what do you want to talk about?"

"You and… Us."

"Shepard I… I cannot do this right know. It's not a good time." There was that stupid excuse again.

"And when is a good time? When I go through the Omega 4 relay? When the reapers attack? When I die again?" Shepard noticed Liara's eyes trembling when she pronounced the word _die_. "You know this moment is the best we can afford!"

"I don't know what you expect from me." She said calmed at the same time her eyes fixated on the desk, not wanting to look into those green eyes. Shepard, on the other hand only wanted to look into Liara's eyes to know if there was anything left of HER Liara there. She pressed her hands on the desk for support and leant forward slightly.

"I want an explanation at least. Why you treated me like that when I came here to see you?"

"You were gone for two years!" Liara retorted at the same time she got up. Shepard's response was almost immediate. She withdrew her hands from the desk and stepped back.

"Don't you think I know that? But now I'm back. Why are you not happy?"

"It's not that I'm not happy. It's just… a lot has changed."

"Is this because of that friend you told me about? Are you with him?" Only a few seconds passed until Liara answered her, but it seemed like hours for Shepard. What if Liara has found someone else who made her happy?

"What? No!" Unconsciously, Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath just to absorb what just Liara said. She felt relieved.

"Then, what has changed? I'm the same person, but I'm not sure if you are still the shy scientist I saved in Therum."

Liara turned her back to Shepard and hugged herself. "Please, don't do this…"

"What exactly am I doing Liara? You have to understand that for me it was only some hours. I awakened in an unknown station, when I was supposed to be in bed with you in my arms. Then I remembered everything. I remembered how I woke up with you by my side when the explosions began and then there was chaos everywhere. I experience the pain that I felt when I died every time I think of it. You know what always come to mind when I think of it? You." Shepard approached Liara, but the asari was still facing the trading room floor. "It was always you. I tried to reach you, but I never got an answer. Why?"

"I've never received any messages from you."

"I knew the Illusive Man was restricting my emails. But why didn't you get in touch? You are an information broker and you said your sources informed you that I was alive."

"Shepard don't you think I wanted to see your face again? But I couldn't do that."

"Why?"

Liara's eyes narrowed. "Because I felt guilty and didn't have the strength to face you!"

"It wasn't your fault." Shepard reached out and gently placed her hand on Liara's shoulder. The moment Shepard's hand touched her, she jerked away breathing heavily. Shepard stood there surprised for this reaction. It really terrified her. "Please Liara, tell me what's wrong. Talk to me. You are scaring me." She was almost begging and Shepard never begged.

Liara was still facing the market trying to regain composure. When they kissed in that office the first time, she made a promise to avoid touching Shepard. It was painful enough to look into her eyes. That kiss brought back all the memories. She felt Shepard's heart beating at the same time as her own while they were making love for the first time, but she also felt her own heart being ripped apart when she heard Joker worst news through the com in that escape shuttle two years before.

"Shepard I'm not the same. You appeared in my life and made feel things I've never felt with anyone in my life and then you were gone. Everything that was warm and happy disappeared. There was only cold and pain." She turned around to face Shepard. "Your… death changed me. It froze me."

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A/N: Reviews is what I eat when I'm writing :)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Here you have the second chapter! It's a bit sad, but I hope you like it! Don't forget to leave a comment!

Again, I do not own Mass Effect. I wish I do :(

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**Liara's POV. Two ****years ago.**

"Joker, do you copy?" I asked for the tenth time since I entered the escape shuttle trying to get an answer. I knew every escape pod was hearing my message, but I didn't care. Most of the crew knew about Shepard and me. We didn't tell anybody, not that there was something to tell at first, but it was pretty obvious. Shepard spent most of her free time behind the Medical Bay, so Dr. Chawkas was the first to know it. She even realized it before because I asked her a lot about Shepard. One day after Shepard left to her quarters she said to me: _I've never seen the Commander smiling like that. And it's all because of you._ I remembered how I blushed. She made me happy too. But now I was trying to know if my happiness was still alive.

"This is Joker."

"Thank the Goddess. Are you okay? Is Shepard with you?" The waiting was killing me. No answer. "Joker, are you there?"

"Yes. I… I'm okay, but she… didn't make it."

I didn't react at first. I just stayed in my seat and noticed everybody in that shuttle was looking at me. Then the tears began and more than one pair of arms was stopping me from coming back to the Normandy.

"We need to go back! Get your arms off me! We need to save her!" I've never felt that kind of pain before. It was like a part of me disappeared. That unknown ship was still firing and we needed to get to save land to be picked by a larger cruiser, but at that point I wasn't even making sense of the danger.

My knees collapsed on the solid ground, while tears were running freely through my face with the helmet still on. When my screaming stopped I could hear Joker.

"I'm sorry Liara."

Finally I gave up and went back to my seat. The silence invaded the shuttle and I could only hear a few sobs now and then.

Three hours passed when we were finally picked by an Alliance cruiser. Once I exited the escape shuttle I went straight to the officer in charge. I took off the helmet and confirmed that Kaidan and Garrus were right behind me.

In front of the Galaxy Map there was a man who looked like he was in charge, so I headed to him. I didn't even bother to introduce myself.

"We need to go back. Commander Shepard is still there. We need to rescue her."

"Madam, we've been already informed that the Commander may be still on board the Normandy. We are preparing a shuttle to check it."

"I want to be on that shuttle."

"You are not an Alliance marine, you–"

"I don't care about your stupid ranks. I'm going." That was me speaking?

"With all due respect, you are not allowed to go. You are only a volunteer here."

"A volunteer?" My biotics started flaring and before I could do something, Kaidan took a step forward and put his hand on my shoulder as a clear sign to calm me.

"I'm Kaidan Alenko, Systems Alliance Marine and Staff Lieutenant. I request permission to come aboard the rescue shuttle."

"Permission granted Lieutenant Alenko."

"I also would like Dr. T'soni to accompany the rescue team. As the only asari here, her melding could become handily in the rescue effort if the Commander suffers any brain damage."

I was so sure Kaidan hated me because of Shepard that I was almost finding difficult to believe what I was hearing. I knew he felt something for her and, although I tried to talk with him about it, we never had a real conversation. However, he was helping this time.

The man in charge looked at me and considered the situation. He knew that probably it wasn't the only reason why I wanted to be on that shuttle, but it was a good reason after all.

"Okay. Dr. T'soni, as it seems that's your name, you can accompany Lieutenant Alenko and the rescue team. The shuttle is about to depart from deck 2."

"Thank you Sir." Kaidan saluted the man and I've just nodded offering him some kind of gratitude.

We were heading to the shuttle at fast pace. I looked at Kaidan who was walking next to me.

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it." He did not even turn to look at me. He kept looking straight ahead. We never spoke again, not even when we were in the shuttle or looking for Shepard.

We spent almost five hours looking for her, but the place wasn't safe. The planet's gravitational attraction wasn't helping either. There was no sign of Shepard in what was left of the Normandy or nearby. In case she was floating in space, there was no way to know for sure where she was, but she already would be out of oxygen by that time. The planet's gravitational path could also draw her. Even with her armor, there was little chance that her body endured the atmospheric entry into the planet. She could also have been taken by the unknown vessel. The odds were against her. She was gone. She was gone forever.

"This cannot be happening." It was only a whisper, but Kaidan heard it. He was having a hard time himself trying not to show any emotion, but he was failing. "She's dead." I said hoping that what was happening could be a dream. Maybe I woke up in Shepard's bed, but that didn't happen. It wasn't a dream.

When we came back to the Alliance vessel, everybody knew it. As soon as I exited the shuttle Dr. Chakwas was there to guide me to the medical bay. I was not injured, at least not badly.

Karin didn't say a word, but I saw in her eyes that she had been crying. The medical bay was bigger than the Normandy's. There were lot of different equipment and around 20 beds. At the other side of the medical bay there was a small operating room and two private rooms. There weren't badly injured people among the Normandy's crew and most of them had been sent to the crew deck to rest. However there were about 10 people being treated in those beds, Garrus and Tali where there and I was about to join them. I didn't have the strength to fight it, so I get rid of my armor, keeping only my green uniform.

I sat on a bed and Karin began her scanners. The only visible thing was a wound in my left cheek and some blood in my thigh. My face was lowered and I was looking at the floor, but soon I noticed someone approaching me.

"I'm sorry Liara." It was his voice. The same voice that ripped my heart apart. The same voice that told me my life would never be the same.

"You…" I said at the same time I lifted my head to look into those frightened and painful eyes. Joker had one arm in plaster and he was wearing a cervical collar, but he was alive. He was alive, and Shepard wasn't. The anger and desperation came back to me like a river of lava, invading every part of my body. "It's your fault."

"I… I'm really sorry."

"If it wasn't for you, she'll be alive!" I jump out of bed with my biotics flaring. The moment my feet were on the ground Garrus was next to me trying to calm me down. Everyone in the medical bay was looking at me with fearful eyes. "I'm not going to hurt you," I said looking first at Garrus and then at Joker, "but I want you to know that she's dead because of you. I lost the woman I love and it's all your fault."

It was cruel coming from me to say those things, but the pain was very real and fresh. I left the medical bay and went to my assigned quarters. Of course I was sharing the room with other people, but we will be at Omega in about two hours, so I didn't have to worry too much. Besides, I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes her face haunted me. I understood why my people always said that when partners pass away, part of them live in us. I could feel her hands caressing me and her lips kissing me, but when I opened my eyes there was no one there. I hadn't learnt to take that philosophical approach yet. Maybe it was because I was still very young, maybe because everything was very recent, or maybe because in the short time we had together I learnt to love her like no one else will do.

I couldn't stay in that room so I decided to take a shower to calm my muscles and clean the blood. I didn't hear anything from Dr. Chawkas, so I supposed there wasn't any serious injury.

After the shower I felt clean, but not calmed. A simple shower wasn't going to make the pain go away. I headed to the mess hall. I wasn't hungry at all, but I needed something to soothe myself. I had never drunk alcohol, and it wasn't a habit I wished to start, but at this time I'd try anything.

The mess hall was huge. This vessel was bigger than the Normandy and it had a lot of people on board, so they needed more space. There were three large tables in parallel with each other and a buffet in the left corner of the room, right where I was entering.

Garrus, Tali and Wrex were the only ones there, along with some people I didn't recognize. They were in the first table at my right. Their heads all focused on me the time I entered the room.

I didn't have much relationship with them back on the Normandy. Tali was with whom I talked most and Garrus always came in the ground team with me and Shepard. I had little talk with Wrex, but he always seemed very careful with me, as if I were a child he had to take care of.

I looked at them and then walked towards the buffet. Of course there was no alcohol. It was an Alliance ship after all. There was coffee. The first time and last time I have a cup of coffee was with Shepard. I didn't even know what it was when she first came to my quarters with a cup in her hands. She offered me to taste it. At first, it was bitter, but then I started enjoying it.

I didn't want another thing to remind me of Shepard, so I decided to have a cup of tea. I turned around with the tea in both hands and went towards the second table. I heard my colleagues whispering things. Probably they'd be deciding who came to talk to me. I sat down and sipped my tea. Just after the third sip, Tali walked towards me and sat in front of me.

"Hey. What are you drinking?" _Really?_

"Tea."

"Sounds yummy."

"I had better ones."

"Okay."

I didn't want to talk and it was obvious Tali didn't know what to say, so I wasn't sure why we were having this stupid conversation. I took another sip.

"Can I do something for you?" It would be great if she just left me alone.

"What? No, of course not. But… I know it's stupid to ask you, but how are you doing?"

"You already know the answer." Another sip.

"Okay. And what are you going to do now? Are you heading back to Thessia?"

"Yes, probably." Why I would like to go back? My mother was dead. I didn't have any family or friends back there. There was nothing left for me. My main plan now was to search some bar in Omega and have a drink, but Tali didn't need to know that.

"I'm also going back to the Fleet. I will probably help my father in her investigation with the Geth."

"Good."

"Look Liara, I can't imagine how are you feeling, but I'm here if you need me. You can talk with me."

"I know. Thank you Tali, but right now I am not in the mood to talk with anyone."

"I understand it. Please, just stay in touch. You know where to find me."

"I will." I got up. I needed some quieter place to be alone. "I see you when we arrive to Omega."

"Okay. Take care Liara."

I went in the opposite direction where Garrus and Wrex where. There was a large hall with big windows on my right that were divided by pillars. There was no one to be seen nearby so I walked a bit further down the hall and found the perfect spot. There was a widening of the corridor between 2 columns with a larger window that ran along the wall from the floor to the ceiling.

I leaned against a column and let my body slide down the wall with the cup of tea in hand. The stars seemed so peaceful out there. Things weren't going to be peaceful for me anymore. I couldn't keep researching on the Protheans. I knew the Reaper's threat was real and we only defeated Sovereign. More were coming and the Council was not going to take care on the matter. I could do that. I could keep investigating on the Reapers and put all my strength to stop them. Yes, I could do that for her. She would have kept fighting and I would keep fighting for her.

"Shepard…"

I left the cup of tea in the floor and closed my eyes, tears streaming down my face again. Every time my heart beat I felt a hole in my chest. It hurt like nothing has ever hurt in my whole life, so I tried to forget everything and I lied to myself. I used our melds to feel her beside me, to feel her heart pounding in her chest, while my hands caressed her body and her feelings mixed with mine. I saw her smile. I heard her jokes. I felt her sleeping beside me with her arms wrapped around me. I didn't allow myself to open my eyes and I kept dreaming, at least until reality hit me again.

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**A/N**: Mmmm reviews are so delicious! ;)


	3. Chapter 3

******A/N: **I'm back! Sorry for the late update, but I had little time to write and the muse didn't help. Sometimes you imagine the story in your head, but then you realize is really difficult to put it on the paper. However this chapter is longer than the others, I hope it is worth the wait!

As you probably realize I'm coming back to the present resuming Liara and Shepard talk. The next chapter will be again about Liara's past. It's not going to take too long. Maybe 2 or 3 more chapters, that's all.

Enjoy and please let me know what you think in the reviews!

Again, I do not own Mass Effect.

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**Present day**

"Liara, I'm really sorry you had to go through all that alone. I never meant to hurt you."

"No one plans to die, but you did."

"Yeah, I did and I lost two fucking years of my life. Do you know how does that feel? It sucks! But now I'm here. I'm alive." Shepard said approaching her and trying to make Liara understand that she didn't plan to die this time.

"For how long you will be alive this time, Shepard?" Liara was being too hard on her and she knew it, but she just couldn't let it happen again.

"That's not fair Liara and you know it!" Shepard threw her arms up and took a step forward.

"But it's the truth. You were gone for two years, in which you didn't feel anything. I thought you were dead, how do you think it feels to lose everything you had in some months? My mother, you… I lost my life."

"You didn't lose me Liara. I'm standing right here. I want to fix this, I really want, but you are making it really difficult."

"I am not making anything more difficult than it already is. I am not the same. I'm doing well as an information broker and I have a lot of things to do."

"No! Don't start again with that crap! I don't believe you. I know my Liara is there, somewhere. I can help you find her."

"How exactly are you going to do that?" Shepard didn't say a thing she just took several steps forward until she was in front of Liara. "Please don't do this." She said walking backwards.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Don't you see it Shepard? I can't be near you. It's too painful. I can't bear having you and then loosing you again. I won't overcome it. I didn't do it in the first place!"

"You know human colonies are disappearing, the collectors are working with the Reapers and no one is doing shit about it. I have to stop them…"

"You're right, it's your job and you are the only one willing to do something about it, but I think your labor is no longer compatible with me." Liara didn't want to go through all that pain again. Yes, Shepard was alive and was right in front of her, begging her, but there was no way of coming back. She was not going to surrender, because there was no guarantee that Shepard could survive.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Shepard stood in her place and let Liara step backwards until she hit the wall.

"I don't want to hurt anymore Shepard. You have to comprehend it." Liara whispered.

_What did I do to you Liara?_ The Commander thought. She was feeling like a monster for doing this to the only person she'd ever loved, but now she understood it. Liara was broken because of her. It was Shepard's fault. She shouldn't have let her feelings interfere the mission. She should have focus on getting the job done like she always did, but when she saw Liara in that bubble back in Therum, all her rules, her strength and her world crumbled. She had been selfish, because she didn't think enough about what could happen to Liara. She jumped in to the deep without thinking, because she'd never felt something so strong for anyone.

"Liara please, I… I lo—" _Should I tell her?_ "Don't turn your back on me please."

"You wanted to talk. I'm sorry if this wasn't the answer you were expecting."

"So, that's it? Whatever we had is over?" Shepard had cried a few times in the course of her life, and all those times had been when she was still a child. Since she enlisted in the Alliance, she hadn't shed a tear, not even when Ashley died. But at that moment she felt like crying. She knew her emotions were betraying her and her eyes were shimmering, but she couldn't cry, not in front of Liara.

"I guess so." Liara said feeling her hands shaking. She had to be strong. It wasn't Shepard's fault, but she wouldn't allow herself to do this again, because she was sure she wouldn't bear it. Her heart was already broken and she carried so much anger inside her that if she allowed Shepard in her life again and then the Commander died, she feared she could do something stupid.

"I'm sorry for everything. I wish I could come back in time and fix it."

"Me too." Liara mumbled while Shepard turned around and walked to the door.

"Goodbye Liara." She said without even looking at the asari.

"Good luck in your mission Commander." She said watching the Commander leave.

Shepard walked out the door and felt her knees buckle. She steadied herself in Nyxeris old desk, placing both her hands on the cold surface and turning her back to the door. Liara changed her. Before her, Shepard was only a soldier without nothing else than anger and pain. Her family and friends were killed back on Mindoir by batarian slavers, but she eventually found her revenge in Torfan. She'd been called the butcher of Torfan, but everything changed when she met Liara. The archeologist softened her, she reminded Shepard how it felt to love and be loved. She found purpose in life. Her goal wasn't to get the job done anymore, without even care about her comrades or unit. Now she cared about her crew and of course she cared a lot about Liara. They had never told each other about their feelings or talked about their relationship, because everything was new and rushed. Yes, they were together back in the Normandy, and most of the crew knew about them, but the word 'girlfriend' had never been pronounced by anyone, not even by themselves.

Liara went back to her computer and linked it to the security camera she had placed outside her office. She watched as Shepard supported herself on her ex-assistant desk and her breath faltered. Then she saw it. One single tear sliding down Shepard's face and collapsing on the desk. Liara covered her mouth with one hand while tears ran freely now. She had never seen Shepard like that. _I am so sorry Shepard_.

Even so, it didn't last too long. Soon the Commander wiped her face and drew herself together. She then went downstairs and disappeared.

Liara wasn't sure why she didn't tell Shepard how she recovered her body and Shepard on the other hand didn't care anymore about why Miranda knew Liara. She couldn't stay any longer in that office, because she would not let herself crack in front of Liara. Maybe it was better that way.

Shepard walked into her quarters and tried to be occupied. She worked on one of her new maquettes. She fed her fishes and her hamster. She also checked her armor and weapons, but nothing could clear her mind. She couldn't stop thinking about Liara, so she decided that she definitely needed a drink far from the crew and the ship. The nearest bar was Eternity and if she recalled well it had a back room with a very confortable couch.

She was getting into her old habits again, where drinking was the best gateway from her anger. She talked with the Matriarch at the bar and reserved the room, together with 1 bottle of the best whiskey they had. There were lot of different new drinks, but when humans joined the galactic community whiskey was one of the most popular beverages among the other species, so it was usually available in every bar on the galaxy and for Shepard nothing tasted better than a good served whiskey.

She sat on the couch with her bottle of an 80-year-old Glenlivet (she could afford thanks to Cerberus) and a glass full of ice. She even had the tremendous urge to smoke, but she had a hard time quitting and she was not going to start again now.

She felt alone. The only person she had let in didn't need her anymore, but Shepard still needed her. She needed Liara to survive, because without her, there was nothing to come back to. There was no reason to fight. There was nothing.

She stared at a group in one of the tables. A salarian, a turian and a human were watching an asari dance. She watched the group and the people passing by while she drank her whiskey. The Cerberus implants allowed her to drink more without getting drunk, but she was beginning to feel a little dizzy after drinking more than half a bottle.

As the hours passed, the bar began to fill with different species. The music got louder and the lights dimmed. The bartender entered several times with propositions from people at the bar. More than one person tried to join Shepard in her room and an asari offered her a private party in her apartment. She declined them, but someone caught Shepard's attention. There was a table next to the group that had been watching the asari dance. There were lot of people in the line of sight dancing, talking and drinking, but she could recognize her.

The human was there with a cocktail glass. _Maybe a Martini?_ Shepard thought. The woman wasn't aware of the spectre, but Shepard kept watching her carefully. She saw as the human placed the stick with olives between her fleshy lips and slid it out empty. That made Shepard swallow and reach for her drink. Maybe the alcohol was finally taking effect.

One of the bartenders that were now wandering the place entered the back room.

"Madam, I am sorry to interrupt." Shepard looked up at the asari. "We have a lot of good clients that request to use this space. I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to leave."

"How much they pay you?" She said going back to look at the woman at the other side of the bar.

"Madam, I'm not sure if—"

"I double it." Shepard watched as the asari features change. "Is that enough?"

"I suppose they can wait a bit more."

"I'm glad we've reached an agreement. Also, see that woman at the table in the corner of the bar?" Shepard nodded in the human's direction. The waitress followed the Commander's gaze.

"The one dressed in white with black hair?" Shepard nodded.

"Serve her another of what she's drinking and bring me other glass of this." Shepard said at the same time she transferred the credits from her Omnitool. "Thank you."

"My pleasure." The waitress walked away and soon Shepard saw the exchange between the asari and Miranda at the other side of the bar.

"I haven't asked for this." Miranda said.

"Someone bought you a drink." _Great_, Miranda thought, _other stupid man trying to get in my pants._ She was sure it had been the man from the table in front of hers. He didn't take his eyes off her.

"Tell me is not from that man in the other table." She gestured.

"No Madam, it's from a human woman in the back room." The waitress said nodding in Shepard's direction. There were a lot of people in the way and the private room was darker than the rest of the bar, so it was difficult for Miranda to recognize her.

"Did she tell her name?" She was trying to catch her face between the people who where dancing and drinking.

"Sorry Madam, she didn't, but I'm sure she would love your company."

"Yeah, I have no doubt, but I'm not into women. But please thank her for the drink."

"It's a shame." The asari said as she appraised Miranda from top to bottom and walked away.

She grabbed her drink and raised it in Shepard's direction showing gratitude. Nothing came from the room. It was too dark and Miranda was really curious to see who was in the darkness. It couldn't be Shepard, because she was probably with Liara. At the thought Miranda felt a pain in her chest. Maybe she could take a closer look at this woman. _Maybe she looks like Shepard…_ _No, don't go there!_

At the other side of the bar Shepard was wondering why Miranda didn't join her. Maybe it wasn't a good idea after the conversation they had. _Yes, it wasn't definitely a good idea. She probably thinks I'm playing around with her. Fuck!_

"Here you have your drink." The asari said as she laid the glass down on the table. "The lady thanks you, but she said she's not into women."

"What? What have you told her?"

"Nothing Madam, I gave her the drink and she asked me who sent it. I only told her that it was a human woman at the back room." _Wait a minute… _Shepard thought.

"Did you see me from there?"

"No Madam, the lights inside this room change at the evening. They darken the room, so people from outside aren't able to see you, but you can see them."

"That explains everything." Shepard said nodding in understanding.

"Is there anything else you need?"

"No… well yes. Could you please tell her that she'd be surprised if she joins me?"

"With all due respect Madam, I am not an emissary. You can tell her yourself at Eternity's chat using your Onmitool."

"Sorry, I am more traditional. I guess this will do." Shepard said as she transferred extra credits to the waitress Onmitool.

"You are very kind."

"No problem. Thank you for your service."

"You are welcome Madam." Shepard watched as the asari left the room and walked towards Miranda stopping first to serve some drinks to a group of turians.

Meanwhile Miranda was trying to recognize the mysterious woman. Why she was so intrigued, she didn't know. Usually she rejected men unless she previously had their medical exams and of course they looked good. She was lost in thought, when the waitress came again.

"I have a message for you from the woman in the back room. She told me that you would be surprised if you join her."

"She said that?" The asari nodded. "How does she look like?"

"I'm not sure if I should tell you that. The only thing you need to know is that she is a fine-looking woman. I could say she's hot, not hotter than you of course, but that's a matter of taste."

"I'm not sure. I'll think about it."

"My turn ends in two hours, just in case." _She keeps flirting and I'm not into asari at all, she would remind me of T'soni._

The waitress left and Miranda decided that maybe she could join this woman and try new things. It was time to turn page after all and a little fun didn't hurt. She grabbed her drink and headed in Shepard's direction. She stopped just before entering the room.

"May I join this mysterious and hot, according to the bartender, woman?"

"Come in." The voice at the other side said. She recognized that voice! It was…

"Shepard?" The operative said entering the room. "Oh my God. Commander, I'm sorry. I thought you were… well… I thought you weren't you."

"It's okay Miranda. When I bought you that drink I thought you could see me. I'm sorry. Sooo would you like to join me?" Shepard gestured to the sofa while Miranda's eyes scanned the room. An empty bottle of whiskey and two glasses, one full of liquor.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea."

"Why?"

"Weren't you supposed to be with Doctor T'soni?" Miranda couldn't keep it anymore. Shepard felt as a million swords nailed in her heart slowly and that didn't go unnoticed to Miranda. "Sorry, it's not my business."

"It's fine. That didn't go… well."

"I'm sorry Commander."

"Stop apologizing please and take a sit."

"I'm still not sure if that's a good idea after our conversation."

"Okay. Right. We decided to keep our relationship as professional as possible." Shepard reminded herself and took a swig.

"Yes and I think it's better that way."

"Sorry Miranda. I don't know what I was thinking. I just… n-needed someone to talk to and… well stop thinking."

"What are you thinking that you don't want to?" Miranda asked wanting to know more about Shepard's thoughts.

"I'm not really in the mood to talk about it." Shepard confessed her eyes fixing on the table.

"Oh." Miranda knew it was something related to Liara, but she didn't imagine what could be. Maybe the asari told Shepard how she recovered her body, and Shepard felt betrayed because she gave her body to Cerberus. But that didn't make any sense. Shepard would be grateful and wouldn't blame Liara for it. So, what was bothering the Commander so much and why she wasn't with Liara? That were the questions that kept coming to Miranda's mind and she really wanted to know the answers, but her mind was telling her that she should come back to the Normandy as soon as possible. "Maybe I can share one drink with you." or maybe not. Miranda sat in the couch just in front of Shepard.

"If you are not confortable I understand."

"I am your XO and it wouldn't be professional to leave you here getting drunk alone. You should be focusing on the mission—"

"So you are staying because you are afraid your project could be damaged?" Shepard interrupted.

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Miranda said using that professional tone.

"Yeah, sorry. So what are you doing here? I've never pegged you as the girl who goes alone to a bar."

"I am not. And what are you doing here?"

"Isn't obvious?" Shepard said raising her drink and pointing to the empty bottle.

"So I was right. You are getting drunk." Miranda knew thanks to EDI that the Commander usually had a drink or two aboard the Normandy, but she never thought she was the kind of person that tries to get drunk intentionally.

"Yeah, kind of, but it isn't as effective as before. What did you do to me?" Before Saren and Liara, Shepard usually used her shore leaves to get drunk, smoke and have sex. She was the perfect renegade, until she met Liara.

"Your cybernetics don't get drunk and you have lot of cybernetics, believe me."

"So I am robot." She mocked raising her drink to Miranda.

"No. I did my job well. You are Commander Shepard as you were before you… died. The only difference is that part of your body and your inner organs work thanks to some engineering."

"I'm not the same." Shepard said as she took another swig.

"Well, I didn't meet you in person back then, but the Lazarus Project goal was to bring back all the memories, feelings and thoughts you had, so you are supposed to be the same." Miranda followed Shepard eyes with her gaze.

"Yeah, that's the problem. I don't know who I am anymore." She did know how to act some years ago before Saren, but now the pressure was higher. She did care about her crew. She spent time knowing each of them and now their lives depended on her choices. The problem was that maybe she couldn't take the right decisions anymore.

"That's your choice Shepard. You can be whoever you want to be and I may not have believed it before but I don't have what you do; that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself."

"Really?" Shepard started laughing out loud and Miranda just stood there watching her with disbelief. This was great. Shepard was laughing. Maybe it was thanks to the alcohol, maybe thanks to Miranda or both, but it felt amazing.

"Did I say something funny?" Ms. Lawson was back.

"C'mon Miranda. Don't look at me that way." Shepard said still giggling.

"Please share your joke, so I can laugh too." Miranda crossed her arms on her chest and observed as Shepard got up with the glass in her hand.

"Are you jealous? Because I've always suspected that you were jealous of me." Shepard was looking at her with a silly smile on her face.

"Don't be absurd!" Miranda sneered and looked away.

"In our talks you always ended talking about your genes, your father and trying to convince yourself that you are not perfect." Shepard said pointing at her XO with her drink.

"Because I am not!" Miranda replied sharply at the same time she got up and faced Shepard.

"No one's perfect Miranda. Your father gave you the potential to be great; all your accomplishments have been your own."

"This is what I am Shepard. I can't hide it, the intelligence, the looks, hell even the biotics, he paid for all of that. Every one of your accomplishments has been due to your skill. The only thing I can take credit for is my mistakes."

"So you are jealous after all." Shepard smirked again. She was enjoying this. She really needed something or someone to keep her mind busy, and Miranda always had been there after she woke up in that station some months ago.

"First, it's not a competition. Second, based on your combat records you're practically a perfect human specimen." Shepard burst out laughing at Miranda's statement. She was not even remotely perfect. "Stop laughing!" Miranda stepped forward, as if trying to threaten her.

"C'mon Miranda. Perfect human specimen? Really?" Shepard uttered trying to hold her laughter, but failing.

"Don't get cocky. I'm the one who put you back together, remember? And I do damned good work." Miranda was very irascible and she was beginning to feel her exasperation growing. "Take that smirk away or I'll wipe it off your face!"

"Okay, okay." Shepard raised her hands as if she was surrendering, still with the glass in her left hand. "However," she took a step closer to Miranda, entering her personal space, "you should know by now that I am far from perfect." She hissed.

Miranda's breath caught in her throat and she couldn't keep her eyes away from Shepard's. What the hell was happening? They talked about this. Shepard said she loved Liara and Miranda was really sure that was true, so what the hell was this?

"What are you doing?" Miranda whispered not wanting to move.

"I don't know." Shepard muttered. All the giggles and laugher disappeared immediately and were replaced by something she didn't know how to define. Maybe lust? They remained like that for seconds, but it felt like hours had passed. Miranda studied Shepard's scars. They were getting worse. Although the green was still clear, her irises were beginning to show a red reflection.

Shepard could feel Miranda's breath in her face and she was barely aware that what was happening shouldn't be happening, but she didn't move, or that was what she thought, because suddenly she felt Miranda's lips against hers. She wasn't sure who moved first, but her mind was completely out. She couldn't think and she didn't react, at least not until Miranda's fleshy lips started moving and kissing.

In a split second, Shepard was pushing Miranda forcefully against the wall as they kissed fiercely. The music sounded distant and blurry, as their tongues dueled and their bodies pressed together, making it even harder to breathe. Miranda's hands were entangled in Shepard's hair, while the Commander's held her left hand at the wall next to Miranda's head, with the glass caught between her thumb and her index. Her other hand was resting in the Operative's waist pulling her impossibly closer. They were hungrily tasting each other, both battling for dominance, but it was time to breath.

Shepard pulled away first just to attack Miranda's soft neck. Her mouth traveled downward, leaving a wet path along her XO's jaw and neck. Miranda moaned when Shepard bite roughly at her pulse point and she suddenly became aware of what was happening.

"Shepard..." She whispered between gasps trying to recover her control. The Commander ignored Miranda and continued sucking at her pulse point while her right hand traveled up and down the Operative's back. "Fuck!" Miranda let out when Shepard grasped her buttock. The exchange was not soft nor slow, but quite the opposite. "We should stop." Miranda muttered again.

"You want me to stop?" Shepard asked into Miranda's left ear, tongue flicking her earlobe. That caused Miranda to moan and throw her head back hitting the wall.

"N-No…" She answered moving both her hands down Shepard's shoulders and stopping on her hips. The Commander soon felt soft fingers inch their way under her Cerberus uniform (without the logos she had ripped off). Miranda could sense the scars that were always hidden behind Shepard's clothes and armor, but she remembered them very well when she was rebuilding her.

"That's what I thought…" Shepard said smiling against Miranda's skin.

"N-No. I-I mean, yes! Stop, Shepard." The Cerberus operative recovered her control completely and removed her hands from Shepard abs just to put them on her chest as a sign to stop the Commander. "You don't want this." She insisted.

"You don't know what I want." Shepard supported herself on the wall withdrawing her hand from Miranda's body and looking straight into blue eyes, still very close to Miranda's face. They were both panting heavy.

"Yes, I know it and as hard as this may sound it's not me." Miranda confessed resting her right hand on Shepard's shoulder.

The Commander closed her eyes and turned her face away as if understanding what her second in command was telling her. She pushed herself off the wall and came back to the couch, without saying anything. Miranda composed herself all the best she could and turned to look at Shepard.

"Why you saved me just to die again in a suicide mission?" The Commander asked without looking at Miranda.

"The Illusive Man has devoted significant resources and money to bring you back, because you are the best humanity has to offer and he's sure you are going to survive this mission. But… we didn't save you in the first place as you probably are aware of by this point."

"What do you mean?" Shepard looked up at Miranda. _So the asari didn't tell her?_ Lawson thought.

"It's not my place to tell you."

"What the fuck Lawson?" Shepard slammed her drink on the table, making the glass pieces. Miranda took several steps backwards. Shepard ignored her bleeding hand while Miranda stood there watching Shepard carefully. The Commander wasn't mad at Miranda for not telling her; well that wasn't the only reason. The main reason was that she really hated herself right now for what she just did. She didn't want the self-destructive Shepard back, but she felt like she couldn't control it.

"Please, understand it."

"I don't! I don't understand anything anymore!" Shepard said without looking at her. "I thought she loved me and now she can barely be near me! I fucked her life… and just a few seconds ago I was going to do the same to you! I'm a monster..." Her last words left her mouth like a whisper. Saying it out loud wasn't the same as thinking it. Shepard really believed that she was a horrible person.

"Shepard, you are not a monster," the Operative said approaching her Commander again "because it wasn't your fault. Each person chooses their own paths and there is nothing you can do to change people's mind." Miranda's calmed tone seemed to sooth Shepard, who turned around and faced shimmering eyes.

"She was in that situation because I let her. If I had rejected her, this wouldn't have happened. If I wouldn't come to your quarters to talk to you—"

"Enough!" Miranda yelled. "I let you do that because I wanted it. You can avoid everything from happening! You have to play with what you have and now you have one last thing to do before we leave Nos Astra." Miranda always had been selfish and she usually got what she wanted, but now she was trying to convince the woman she loved that she still had a chance with the asari. She could be trying to comfort Shepard and make her believe that it was better that way, but she understood that the Commander wouldn't be happy. Yes, Miranda could have been silent a few minutes ago and let Shepard fuck her, but she didn't like being second fiddle. The bond Shepard and Liara had wouldn't be broken that easy. It may last forever and Miranda couldn't live with that.

"Why are you doing this?" Shepard hissed.

"Maybe because I'm a little masochist? Or maybe because I hate seeing you like that? I don't know."

Shepard just nodded. They kept looking into each other's eyes trying to express all the untold feeling they were having, but it was an illusion. Miranda knew Shepard would never be hers.

"Sometimes I wish things were different…" Shepard confessed.

"Me too, but things are as they are and we have to play with the cards we are given."

"I suppose you're right."

"I am right. And now, I'm heading back to the Normandy." She said walking towards the exit, but before she turned around. "Commander, control your habits and keep your personal life in line. It can't affect the mission." Miranda said eyes fixed Shepard's.

"Don't worry. I'll be back soon and ready for the next mission." Shepard nodded and offered a grateful smile before the Operative left the room. Maybe Miranda had prevented Shepard for becoming a self-destructive being again.

Shepard stared at her injured hand and took a decision. If Liara didn't want anything from her, she would get it anyway.

* * *

**A/N:** Let me know your thoughts in the comments! Thanks for reading ;)


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